Friday, February 5, 2010

It's All About ME

A lot has been going on. I know that I do complain about things an awful lot, & that I have gotten more & more pessimistic as time went on, but I feel that something has taken control over me & pulled me down really low. It's probably a combination of things: stress, lack of sleep, loneliness, malnutrition, a messy bedroom... who the hell knows.

Those who've seen Song of the South probably know what a "laughin' place" is. It's that special place, physical or otherwise, that lets you to temporarily escape the doldrums & fears of reality & allows yourself to relax. My laughing place was always the drawing board. Drawing & doodling was the only thing that could relieve my stress; whatever the situation was, a pencil & paper could always turn me around. Instead of punching pillows, I took my anger out in my drawings (& I've wasted a LOT of paper in my time). To me, drawing was just a hobby with slightly healthy beneficial side-effect. When I was young, I never believed that you could actually make a living by drawing, but once I figured out that you could, I knew what I finally wanted to do with my life. & I believed animation could take what I got out of drawing & make it into something alive & entertaining. I'd be doing something that not only made me happy, but possibly other people too.

So time passes, & I gradually improve & hone my craft. I turned it from a casual daily constitutional into a full-blown professional endeavor. I studied in high school, applied for art school & got accepted, & I've been working my ass off since then, still trying to climb higher on the career ladder & learn/inspire something along the way. Opportunities came & went, & I took a fairly decent share of them, perhaps even a bit more than I could swallow.

But somewhere in between all that, drawing changed from a fun little hobby into a stress-inducing chore. I felt that I no longer got joy or relief from it anymore. & on top of that, I began to neglect my own well-being for the sake of other people's well-beings. I started to overwork myself, & got to a point where I couldn't say 'no' to an offer or favor anymore. & on top of that, old regrets & events from my past have come back to haunt me. So everything piles up into one big heap way over my head & I have to figure out a way to dig my way out of it. & when it gets to a point where you worry about every single task & iota so much that you don't get any of them done, you know you've reached a really bad point. Right now I really don't know which way I'll be going. I've thought about quitting everything (school included) & just starting over again, but that's definitely not a financially-sound option, especially this late in the game.

I've kept it inside for a good long time now, & now I'm ready to finally let it out. After all the work that needs to be done is taken care of, I am going to devote all my time to ME. MY film. MY drawings. MY book. My work. ME, ME, ME. I'll say it, screw everybody else! Fuck 'em! I don't care if I sound mean or disrespectful anymore. I've wasted an awful lot of time, money & strength to make sure some other guy/girl gets a pat on the back. I don't care if I have to do a half ass job on all the crap that has piled up so far just to get it out of my face. I'm tired & I want out. Now.

Still, I have to admit, some of those jobs/favors I've done have gotten me some really good opportunities coming my way. I've met so many people & seen so many things that most people only dream of. I may have gotten only a baby step or two closer to the center of the circle, but it's a step closer nonetheless. To those people that have given me a chance & have helped me along the way, I thank them ever so much for it.

While I do have plenty of work to do, my well-being does come first, so I'm going to have the first sleep I've had in 6 days. Tomorrow is another day.


Ivey said...

hey mike. I was actually worried that you've been taking so many night shifts. its good that you're focusing everything on school work right now.
i actually felt the same way you did sophomore year. if you need to talk to me, go ahead and do so. i'll be around and i'll even visit you in beckerman's class. i know we haven't been talking to each other as much as we did last year, so i'll make up for that.

CVG said...

I'm a random person who stumbled on to your blog and I read this post. Being a painter/cartoonist myself I just wanted to say, good luck and don’t let the stress get you down. I too have had days of pure torture in school. But then I sit back and reflect on this and remember that drawing is my passion. You are living a life that very few people have...which is doing something you love (or should). So many people in this world never make it to the career they hoped for and end up in a desk job or retail or maybe just a good job that doesn’t relate to what they really enjoy doing (like a man who wanted to be a chef ends up being a waiter). So yeah, I wish you luck and hope you feel better, because in the long run you are in a position that is still farther than a lot of others. Btw, I love the designs you drew for your bird cartoon...they all look so well constructed and genuinely friendly. :)