A lot has been going on. I know that I do complain about things an awful lot, & that I have gotten more & more pessimistic as time went on, but I feel that something has taken control over me & pulled me down really low. It's probably a combination of things: stress, lack of sleep, loneliness, malnutrition, a messy bedroom... who the hell knows.
Those who've seen Song of the South probably know what a "laughin' place" is. It's that special place, physical or otherwise, that lets you to temporarily escape the doldrums & fears of reality & allows yourself to relax. My laughing place was always the drawing board. Drawing & doodling was the only thing that could relieve my stress; whatever the situation was, a pencil & paper could always turn me around. Instead of punching pillows, I took my anger out in my drawings (& I've wasted a LOT of paper in my time). To me, drawing was just a hobby with slightly healthy beneficial side-effect. When I was young, I never believed that you could actually make a living by drawing, but once I figured out that you could, I knew what I finally wanted to do with my life. & I believed animation could take what I got out of drawing & make it into something alive & entertaining. I'd be doing something that not only made me happy, but possibly other people too.
So time passes, & I gradually improve & hone my craft. I turned it from a casual daily constitutional into a full-blown professional endeavor. I studied in high school, applied for art school & got accepted, & I've been working my ass off since then, still trying to climb higher on the career ladder & learn/inspire something along the way. Opportunities came & went, & I took a fairly decent share of them, perhaps even a bit more than I could swallow.
But somewhere in between all that, drawing changed from a fun little hobby into a stress-inducing chore. I felt that I no longer got joy or relief from it anymore. & on top of that, I began to neglect my own well-being for the sake of other people's well-beings. I started to overwork myself, & got to a point where I couldn't say 'no' to an offer or favor anymore. & on top of that, old regrets & events from my past have come back to haunt me. So everything piles up into one big heap way over my head & I have to figure out a way to dig my way out of it. & when it gets to a point where you worry about every single task & iota so much that you don't get any of them done, you know you've reached a really bad point. Right now I really don't know which way I'll be going. I've thought about quitting everything (school included) & just starting over again, but that's definitely not a financially-sound option, especially this late in the game.
I've kept it inside for a good long time now, & now I'm ready to finally let it out. After all the work that needs to be done is taken care of, I am going to devote all my time to ME. MY film. MY drawings. MY book. My work. ME, ME, ME. I'll say it, screw everybody else! Fuck 'em! I don't care if I sound mean or disrespectful anymore. I've wasted an awful lot of time, money & strength to make sure some other guy/girl gets a pat on the back. I don't care if I have to do a half ass job on all the crap that has piled up so far just to get it out of my face. I'm tired & I want out. Now.
Still, I have to admit, some of those jobs/favors I've done have gotten me some really good opportunities coming my way. I've met so many people & seen so many things that most people only dream of. I may have gotten only a baby step or two closer to the center of the circle, but it's a step closer nonetheless. To those people that have given me a chance & have helped me along the way, I thank them ever so much for it.
While I do have plenty of work to do, my well-being does come first, so I'm going to have the first sleep I've had in 6 days. Tomorrow is another day.
